Wednesday 24 December 2008

And now its time for something totally different

Well, I'm back in lovely Dorset for a few days now before my long long flight to Australia. Dorset is not at the moment lovely but is in fact grey, soggy and exactly the same as when I left it two years ago. Dad picked me up and we went to Tesco in town to do some last minute shopping. Dad was chatted up by a woman at the banana section who carried herself like a drunk sack of hammers and lacked front teeth. I managed not to see anyone I knew much to my relief. When I go home I resign myself to the fact that at some point I will have an awkward encounter over a Tesco checkout. Or perhaps in an aisle. Someones mum, someones sister. God I know I'm bitter, but I just cant stand small talk.

I'm so excited about Australia I can't sleep at night. The next few days at home should be nice and relaxed- reading, walking around the Purbecks and cooking a 'non christmas' roast for my parents (and a few stray old ladies). I'm slightly annoyed that the rellies insisted on me returning their massive suitcase that I borrowed last time, especially because I have since discovered that they have no plans to use it any time soon. I lugged it back, empty, on a train so packed that i had to sit two carriages away from it in my reserved seat (thank goodness) which was occupied in and around by a very well mannered london family. I had to kick them out of my seat, like a heartless cow. I wouldn't have, but the only other option was to sit inside the suitcase. A man a few seats away was having a blazing row with another man who refused to move from his reserved seat. He wasn't doing a very good job of it, using phrases like 'duuuuur' and 'god you're such an arsehole! I'm going to sit on your lap!' A polish woman sat opposite me asked the refreshments trolley man if he had a bin for their waste. He was apparently also polish and snapped 'no! I dont have 'rubbish''. The woman foolishly persisted- 'what is that bag on the side of your trolly?'. 'ICE bag. No rubbish! I not dustbin man!' He trundled off without serving her and collided with an unfortunate woman trying to get to the toilet. 'GO OTHER WAY'. The woman reasoned that there wasn't a toilet the other way. He spat 'I AM GOING THIS WAY'... she went the other way. I bought a cup of tea from him, smiled sweetly and was very nice in an attempt to soothe him. He was unresponsive, and as thanks for me giving him exact change, he asked me if I wanted sugar...then didn't give me any.
God, what an arsehole.

Xmas eve at the 'rentals

Goes something like this:

Mum: What do you want in your ham sandwiches Ed?
Dad:...Ham. What kind of question is that?
Mum: Well then, JUST ham, thats fine. I'll make you JUST ham sandwiches then shall I?
Dad: Do you mean 'what would I like WITH my ham sandwiches'?
Mum: Yes thats what I meant.
Dad: Well I didn't know that did I? It's a silly way to phrase it. You should ask questions properly.
Mum: *tuts* do you want white or wholemeal bread?
Dad: You know I never have white bread.
Mum: What do you want WITH your ham?
Dad: We don't have any ham. Do you mean gammon?
Mum: Yeah, gammon.
Dad: Well why did you say ham when you meant gammon?
Mum: Oh, same difference. What do you want with your gammon?
Dad: Coleslaw.

LOL, I feel like I'm living with George from Seinfeld's parents sometimes.

Thursday 18 December 2008

Ten days and counting..

I played squash today for the first time ever. And I'm not actually terrible at it! I seem to have trouble hitting the ball from certain angles, but with practice this will improve. Plus I felt really cool and sporty strolling out holding a squash racket. My left arm and my arse hurts (?!) and my left nostril is sore but I'm pretty sure that is unrelated and probably something to do with an impending cold. Well, not for long, baby! In ten days time I will be arriving in sunny sunny hot hot Sydney, where colds are an invention of the silly and Dickensian British, along with chills, depression and 'the vapors'.



I have an awful lot to do before I go home on tuesday. Coursework research, packing, jewellery orders, work and bank stuff.....
Today, I have developed a cough. This is not a good sign. Perhaps the vapors have got to me after all. :(

Saturday 13 December 2008

Climbing the oak boughs, low boughs we straddle,
a kite to untangle, a birds nest to raid,
shoes tied at the laces and flung up to tangle
bright blankets we stretch and peg to the branches
all at sea we are
all at sea
all adrift we are
you and me

Tuesday 9 December 2008

Things I have learned in the last couple of days


1) You can teach a goldfish to play football.
2) Getting a zip replaced on a pair of boots around here will set you back around the price of a nice new pair of boots.
3) Barclays charge a fiver for copies of bank statements.
4) Town before xmas is a callous, heartless place where one man will tread on anothers balls to get ahead in the queue.

Saturday 6 December 2008

Ice skating on a saturday twilight

I did it. I went ice skating. And I didn't fall all the way over. Not once. I felt comfortably young doing something a bit 'fun', until I saw the scores of kids half my age skating rings around me. Suddenly I felt like a brittle, knock kneed old batty aunt with dyspraxia and one good eye, bumbling along with arms and legs akimbo going 'wheeeee....?' But I cared not. I had a jolly good spaz. Now my legs are aching and my ankles which felt so supported before are groaning.
That said, ice skating was possibly the best remedy for a day of working in the kind of bar where weird old men stroll in and tell you without any prompting that you would need to lose a bit of weight before they would ever consider you as a serious romantic option. This particular man was in his late forties, looked like a cross between Bono and a tranny/Boy George, and was sporting eyeliner, peircings and Ming The Merciless evil upside-down drawn-on eyebrows. He had a very amusing conversation with another local which went something like this. Names have been changed to protect the ridiculous:
Costco- 'oh yeah, well my girlfriend *name removed* is heading over in a bit.'
Ming- '*name removed*? I know her.
Costco- Yeah?
Ming- Yeah. Uh. I went out with her for a bit.
*awkward silence*
Ming- Hah, it was like 20 years ago...
Costco- Oh aye.
Ming- She was a lovely girl. Very nice. Stunning looking too, dead skinny....
Ming- Great shag. Got her legs up round my neck!
Costco- ........I'm just going to the cashpoint.
Ming (to me)- Well, that was a bit embarrassing.
Me- *squirm*
Ming- You know, you're a really well-built girl. You look dead solid, like an athlete, or a kickboxer.
Me- Uh...thanks.
Ming- Oh no, I don't mean it in a bad way, I think it's dead hot like. Not for me though, I like girls who are skinny. I mean, you're really a beautiful girl but you would have to lose some weight.
Me-.

I wish I did do kickboxing.

Wednesday 3 December 2008

Agent Dale Cooper, you are my dream-boy


I have been alone in the house all day long. Entirely self-inflicted, but goddamit I needed to do some work. I have scrapped second-rate fairy romp in favour of a shorter and infinately less rubbish story. Mostly because I did all the hard work on it two years ago and just re-worked it using my new margret atwood google widget. The loneliness has gotten to me though. Ive been on the internet for the past two hours looking at freaks and autopsies on youtube. Sicko. This is how it starts...
Also in the absense of my beloved I have been growing unnaturally attatched to pictures of Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks...I am trying to attatch said photo example but it seems I saved it as a 'plain text' document, because I'm a mush-brained goon.

Tuesday 2 December 2008

Postman calls


Ahh, I got a letter from Keir AND a letter from my dad AAAND a pair of PJ's in the post today. Amazing. Sadly Primark's sizing templates dictate that a girl who might wear size 14-16 pj's will undoubtedly have a belly like a beach ball and an arse like a pancake. And no, I wasnt wearing them back to front. Unless Primark stitched the label to the wrong side. Which is wholly possible.
In other news, we have SNOW. Not a great deal of it mind you, and although I want nothing more than to go and frolic in it, there IS a school at the end of my street and I don't want to be pelted to death by all the snotty 13 year olds who hate me because I wont buy them fags.

Monday 1 December 2008

Fail day, success day


Well the weekend has been a totally driven all-out pen snapping kickupthearse-fest. I have written most of the first draft of my portfolio story and I will be finishing it today. Hopefully. However a series of FAILS is threatening to put a dampener on my day.

FAIL 1- Anja has gone off home for a wedding, and Clem has just gone off home, leaving me alone in the house for a couple of days with pets and occasionally visiting pieces of furniature for company. This is ok. BUT. I cannot have a shower at present as it seems the boiler has taken a decision to go from inexplicably working fine to just not working at all. Just for me.

FAIL2- I got a little package in the post this morning with an Australia stamp on it. Getting hugely excited, I ripped it open thinking 'yay it must be from Keir or my Uncle or someone from that hemisphere'.... but no. It was a stupid tiny packet of stupid dinosaur shaped sweets from the Natural Confectionary Company. The Australia stamp was dated dec 2006, which I suppose means that it is a joke about the 6 weeks it can take for free samples to drop through your door. Well, thanks a bundle Nat Con Co, you just ruined my day. And your sweets are bland tasting and gluey. I'm expecting far more important things in the post; a lonely planet guide to south australia, a winter feather duvet and a pair of fluffy frumpy frau pyjamas (thanks mum), and some jewellery making supplies so that I can afford to go home for xmas. Anyway, god how thoroughly boring. Sorry.



Oh, success came in the post too. The water bill has inexplicably been written off. We now owe them a grand total of £2.26. Which I can just about afford to pay right now. Huzzah!
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